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Walking · with · a · Calculator
A Stochastic Existence
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I've stopped using this blog because I've had a breakthrough with being neurotic (becoming less so) last January. However, I need to get this out of my system, after all, this journal and I have been through thick and thin (mostly thin) and I guess I owe it this truth, free from crypticness.
Last year, I fell for my friend, Jed. He's intelligent, witty and kind. He's one of the friends the universe has sent me as a free pass, one of the people I could trust and one who almost made me drop "solitary" from my "solitary pursuits."
He made me feel the futility of "impossible," the uselessness of cynicism and the tenacity of hope. It came with a price, though; I felt weak, vulnerable...human.
I thought that someone more dominating, more imposing than me would make me fall to my knees; however, with him, I've finally discovered that it would be my own conscious decision to bow and not some sheer unrelenting force. It is a choice; the peripheral and derivative emotions, however, aren't. The emotional roads I had to navigate through were confusing; like a little girl lost in a big old forest. I wandered on and on and on; unsure if I was walking back to the road or deeper into the forest.
In the end, I've made the decision to move past that stage. Although I did it months ago, I think it's fitting that I include a punctuation entry here on livejournal.
What do I feel right now? Hollow relief. Relief because I summoned enough courage to do it. Hollow because there's a cavernous association with it; there are casualties after all.
My only regret is the wonderful friendship, a free pass is hard to find.
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When I'm on the cusp of being sad or whenever I feel confused, I go to a bookstore. It's like my Tiffany's. I fondly remember Audrey Hepburn's Holly Golightly saying that when she has her breakfast at Tiffany's, she loses her "reds" and that she feels nothing bad or awful can happen to her. As usual, I went to my favorite bookshelves. I checked my favorite writers' other works. I honestly think I should've bought the "We the Living" copy at Powerbooks last December, but so it goes. I bought Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting but I won't be reading it anytime soon. I'd probably read it after I finish Kurt Vonnegut's Sirens of Titan, after my exam. Since my birthday is coming up, I would really love it if I get this MVPuppet shirt. It's Kobe Bean Bryant's Lil Dez y'all! I probably won't be receiving this but I'm perfectly aware that the best gift I would be receiving on my birthday would be from myself. shop.kbtwofour.com/products/purple-lil-dez-shirt
confidence interval: |
 tired |
listening to: |
Beach Boys - Feel Flows | |
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Courage and discipline. Those are the two main things that I'll be working on this year. However, as I strive to become more meticulous and more detail-oriented, I've created lists of things I should read, do, clean and whatnot this year.
Actuarial Exams
I intend to pass at least two exams this year. However, if all goes according to plan through sheer discipline and perseverance, I would be happily adding three exam feathers to my actuarial cap this year.
- Exam FM this February
- Exam MLC this May
- Exam MFE this November
Books
I cannot not read books. I've learned that during my abstinence periods. I just can't.
- Dune by Frank Herbert
- Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
- Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
- Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
- Atonement by Ian McEwan
- Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
Ideally, I'd have actual books as copies for all those, however, I think I'd be settling for e-books for some, especially the sad ones (Atonement and Norwegian Wood). Also, I've started reading Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut and it's not on my book list, so... Haha
Others
- Will get my license before the year ends =p
- Will join one marathon this year
- Will no longer be tardy going to work due to controllable circumstances
- Will learn to bake
- Will watch at least one concert (I will let the Ne-yo concert pass because my weekend is already packed)
- Will go to the beach at least once
Of course, I dream. I dream that I'll be able to finally get a good ending for Chrono Cross, to play Suikoden's 3, 4 and 5. I dream that I'll finally finish my Stronghold and Stronghold: Crusader campaigns. I dream that I'll be able to finally finish Diablo II and finishing Battle Realms using the Lotus, Wolf and Snake families. I dream.
confidence interval: |
 thoughtful |
listening to: |
Kanye West - Amazing | |
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I just read the Murakami short story, The Second Bakery Attack. What a great way to start the day!
confidence interval: |
 amused |
listening to: |
The Lord of the Rings - The King of the Golden Hall | |
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In terms of yearend reviews, mine is pretty late. But I guess this is fitting considering I was punch drunk from drinking that delicious raspberry-flavored red wine and was in no condition to think or reflect about the year that was. Yum.
I entered 2009 with virtually no realistic hope for the future but still having the proverbial rose in the horizon. I guess it was just all a matter of rhythm and fate.
Confused and generally dejected by the situation around me, a friend unintentionally and wonderfully gave me a distraction that defined the whole year for me, in a good way. The said distraction gave me new hope, something to look forward to and made me focus on lofty aspirations. It was wonderful, taught me a lot of things and at the same time reignited the bookworm in me.
June 14, Kobe finally won his 4th championship ring. After supposedly peaking in his early 20s, he once again reached the NBA summit that many suggested he couldn't possibly return to. It was a positive note, making me recall loving every single moment of him celebrating his achievement when I was 12. I was actually disappointed with the ceremony because it reminded me that my idol and I have grown up. Instead of youthfully celebrating his win, he was carrying both of his girls with his wife in tow. Yes, he was no longer 21 but he was still the Kobe Bryant I'd be idolizing until I die.
The Lakers winning a championship supposedly augurs a good year for me, just as I thought of the three successive rings they've won from 2000-2002. I don't know about the year being a good year but I'd like to believe that it was a good year despite the numerous disappointments and heartaches I've faced.
2009 also marked my discovery that I've driven my body almost to the grave. I found out that my mitral valve is congenitally defective and that my heart is old. Painfully I've discovered that I've been abusing my stomach walls (not to drinking, I wish it was due to that). A wake-up call, that's what it was, my body telling me to manage stress better.
I finally passed an actuarial exam 2 years after I first took it. July 15. Unfortunately, my self-destructive tendencies revealed itself causing me to fail another actuarial exam, an easy one to boot.
I also discovered what a treasure friendship is. Finally. It was a grave mistake, not nurturing and maintaining my past friendships. I've learned my lesson now. I'm savoring every moment, every laughter, every joke I spend with my friends and most importantly, I'm overcoming my hatred of inconvenience in order to maintain the aforementioned wonderful ties.
Lastly, 2009 was the year I fell in love, with a friend at that. After years of knowing that I don't develop feelings for anyone, that courtships don't work with me unless I was attracted to the suitors immediately and that I don't grow in love with anyone, bad karma came to me. It was a reversal of position, and what a reversal. It caught me unexpectedly. As much as I wasn't able to handle the peripheral emotions, I discovered that it was still a choice. Loving someone is a choice, as much as it is a gamble.
It also proved to me that I do have that capacity, not just simple hero-worship or induced infatuation. It made me feel vulnerable, a state against my reptilian and Machiavellian side, but it also made me feel human. And it feels good.
And as I now approach 22nd year on earth this new year, I guess the only thing that I need to work on is having courage and having discipline. All the other things I could do without.
Happy new year!
confidence interval: |
 hopeful |
listening to: |
Regina Spektor - Us | |
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My song of the year is definitely Shontelle's Stuck with Each Other. |
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We are at the top of the world
You and I
We have a lot of time
And it all feels right |
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There was no certainty of going home the easy way. A guy drunk with caffeine began dancing goofily beside me and one of my favorite girls in the world. "Live a little, Sam" "I can't, I'd have to plan it." "That's not living a little." "I can't, I have self-destructive tendencies." "Then self-destruct. Masaya yun." The bus finally arrived in an almost empty Taft Avenue and as our evening (almost early morning) draws to a close I realized that I had one of those nights. I felt inebriated, sweetly intoxicated even without a single drop of alcohol in my body. I'm glad I said yes.
listening to: |
The Juliana Theory - We're at the Top of the World | |
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I wanted you from the first moment I saw you - and the only thing I'm ashamed of is that I did not know of it.
-Dagny Taggart, Atlas Shrugged |
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I thought this was cool, so yeah, haha. Stolen from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) omfgerbear Post the first sentence from the first post of each month (but only the ones with substance - no Tweets, memes, surveys, etc.)! :D January: I thought that when I turn 21, I would be watching 21 (yeah, corny, whatever) and doing stuff related to 21. February: I've mentioned impotence before. March: Last Friday, my favorite day of the week, I was pooped from a week's worth of work and other stresses that I just plopped down the bed and began channel surfing. April: I think I just wasted about 40 or so minutes of my life watching Lost's episode Whatever Happened, Happened thinking the wonderful and extremely talented Jeremy Davies would appear as uber physicist Daniel Faraday, but no, it was KATE AUSTEN all the way. May: Isn't that what we're scared of, being stagnant? June: I just can't afford the peripheral emotions and thoughts. July: Lately, when I feel afraid, confused and generally dejected, I read this part in Atlas Shrugged. August: I don't know why I feel such a surge of this unpleasant emotion. September: How do you exactly use your heart? October: I've promised myself that I would begin my book abstinence on the first day of October. November: Pressure. December: I recently discovered something. 2009 was a special year. It was painful and wonderful at the same time.
confidence interval: |
amused | |
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